When Enough Sex Is Not Enough

What can cause the differences in sex drive in a relationship? How to cope when your partner wants more or less sex than you? Read on!

What causes different sex drives?

(1) Relationship problems

This can be due to differences on matters such as who should contribute more to household expenses and who should pay for which item, child rearing and relationship with in-laws. When couples cannot resolve conflicts over these matters, one of them will bear a grudge against the other one. This pent-up anger can cause the aggrieved side to lose sexual interest on his/her partner. This can also lead to him/her to withhold sex to punish his/her partner.

(2) Inadequate knowledge about sex

If one or both of you are raised in societies where there is no sex education or where sex is a taboo topic being negatively viewed as something dirty or immoral, this can prevent you from looking for ways to enrich and spice up your sex life. You or your spouse may think that sex is meant only for procreation and cannot see any connection between sex and pleasure.

(3) Psychological issues

Stress over work or child rearing, performance anxiety, lack of sexual confidence, past histories of sexual abuse, physical or mental ailments, drug abuse, medication (drugs such as those prescribe for hypertension can hurt sexual desire) leaving either one of you to lose interest in sex.

(4) Differences in the way you and your spouse look at sex

You and your partner may have different baseline sex drives and/or may prioritize sex differently. This may not be any serious relationship problems, only mere differences in the way how each side thinks about sex.

(5) Not enough passion

Absence makes the heart grows fonder. Not giving enough space to each other in daily life, with both sides sticking to each other like a piece of chewing gum can be stifling and hurt passion in the long run. The pressures and expectations we put on our intimate relationships may kill the passion in lovemaking.

How to cope with different level of sexual desire?

(1) Avoid blaming your partner

It is always very easy to blame others when problems crop up. This can only cause your spouse to get defensive and discourage him/her from working together with you to come up with solutions. Even if you feel most of the problems lie with your partner, it is better to find out what are the causes and how they arise.

(2) Talking to your partner

When relationship problems surface, it is best to find the space and time to talk to your partner. If you do not talk to your partner, you will not be able to discover the roots of the problems and he/she may not be aware of the existence of problems or your concerns. Before talking to your spouse, make sure you think before you talk, avoid putting the blame on him/her, begin your statements with "I" such as, "I think....." or "I am concern about........" and always remember to listen. However if the situation deteriorates to the point where both of you cannot talk to each other without ending up in arguments, you will have to find a counselor or therapist.

(3) Working towards a compromise

It is very unrealistic to expect everything to go according to the way you want. A relationship is a series of constant adjustment to each other and involving a lot of give and take. Finding sexual compromise is much easier when you lay down all the options on the table for both sides to work out the differences in sexual desire.

(4) Looking for self-help resources

There are many books you can find in book shops, libraries or online that touch on issues like sex drive discrepancies in a long-term relationship. Some of them may have titles such as Dealing With A Sexless Marriage. This is a viable option before you consider seeing a counselor or a family therapist.

More tips for handling different sex drives in a relationship can be found by clicking on Online Sex Guide and Sexual Chemistry.

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